akatsuki ni nari ya shinuran ogurayama naku shika no ne ni tsuki katabukinu
Is the dawning On its way, I wonder? On gloomy Mount Ogura Crying, a stag bell out As the moon sets.
Mototoshi, Former Assistant Captain in the Palace Guards, Left Division 9
Right
暁や声高砂になく鹿をほのかにやきく沖の舟人
akatsuki ya koe takasago ni naku shika o honoka ni ya kiku oki no funabito
At the dawning From the heights, the bell, at Takasago Of a stag Is faintly heard, perhaps, By the boatmen on the offing…
Head 10
The Left’s poem lacks any superlative diction, yet does not appear to have any glaring faults either. As for the Right’s poem, I do question the placement of ‘at’ in ‘at the dawning’ and, in addition, the order seems reversed in ‘From the heights, the bell, at Takasago / Of a stag’—so much so that I find it difficult to grasp the sense. If the poem had been composed to put ‘stag’ before ‘heights of Takasago’, the poem would feel more trustworthy, wouldn’t it.
Composed when the Naka Chancellor [Fujiwara no Michitaka] returned from another woman’s residence with the dawn, but rather than coming in, remained outside and went back to his own house.
暁のつゆはまくらにおきけるを草葉のうへとなにおもひけん
akatuki no tuyu Fa makura ni okikeru wo kusaba no uFe to nani omoFiken
At the dawning Dewdrops upon my pillow Have fallen, but Resting atop a blade of grass— Is that what you think of me? [1]
The Right wonder what the intention is in the Left’s poem of regretting the breakage of ‘brushwood branches’. The Left say that the Right’s poem, ‘recalls a famous poem by one of the other gentlemen of the Right.’
Shunzei’s judgement: Simply using the old-fashioned koyade in place of the more current shiishiba does not improve the sound of the poem, I think. Starting ‘Deep within the mountains’ (yama fukaku) and then continuing ‘Woodsmen break and burn’ (shizu no oritaku) – is this supposed to convey the conception of felling trees [shiba o koru kokoro ni ya]? I hardly think that if one lived in the mountains, the sound of trees being cut and burnt would make one feel the chill. The diction of ‘deep within the mountains’ does not seem appropriate [‘yama fukaku’ no kotoba, kanai mo sezaru]. Given that it does sound old-fashioned, koyade does not sound like a winner, either. The poems are of equal quality.
