te mo tayuku muro no hanae tori mo aezu ono ga ono ga mo isogumeru kana
With gentle hands The young seedlings in the root-house Swiftly taking Each and every one Hurries along!
5
Right
なはしろとはるみしものをいつのまにたごおりたちてさなへとるらん
nawashiro to haru mishi mono o itsu no ma ni tago oritachite sanae toruran
The seed-shoots that I saw in springtime have, In but a moment, by The lads standing in the paddies, Taken for seedlings.
6
While it lacks a depth of conception of fallow paddies resembling the marshy mud between the reeds, surveying the scene in line with this time of year, it is certainly the case that men planting rice-seedlings appear—this is the superficial content of the Left’s poem, but its diction is somewhat stiff. The Right seem superior for its balance between the initial and latter section of the poem, it’s bright overall impression and its configuration implying the swift flow of water around the seedlings.
tori mo aezu kokorogokoro ni isogedomo ama wa so shiranu muro no hayanae
Swiftly over Both conceptions Have I hurried, yet As a fisherman, am ignorant of Young seedlings in the root-house!
shigure moru kari’io ni nurete hosu koromo nagai no ama wa tori ya tagaemu
Drenched by showers, In my crude hut my soaked Robe I dry— Might a fisherman from Nagai Take it by mistake?
Koretsuna 65
Right (Win)
ひとりねのあはれひまなきたびごろもしぐれはれてもそではぬれけり
hitorine no aware himanaki tabigoromo shigure haretemo sode wa nurekeri
Sleeping solo with No break from my sorrow, My traveller’s robe, Even should the showers clear, Would have soaking sleeves…
Suesada 66
The configuration of the Left is extremely charming, but I do wonder about starting with a sorrowful journey in the showers and then taking a robe by mistake! The conception of the Right, starting with endless sorrow and then saying, ‘even should the showers clear’, seems pleasant. It seems that the Right wins.
nio no umi wa mirume mo oinu ura nite ya mube kazuki suru ama nakarikeri
At the Sea of Grebes No prying eyes arise from midst the seaweed, On the beach: is that why Truly slipping beneath the waters There are no fishermen at all?
The Right state: the Left’s poem has no faults to mention. The Left state: neither beginning nor end is sufficiently forcefully expressed.
In judgement: the conception and configuration of the Left’s ‘fisherman at Shiga Bay’ (shigatsu no ama) certainly seem splendid. That is really all there is to say about this poem. To make a deliberate point of seeking out elements which sound difficult is a pointless activity for the Way of Poetry and an individual poet. As for the Right’s poem, diving ‘to the sea bed’ (soko made) is just something that fisher-girls do. The Left must win.
Left and Right together state: we find no faults to mention.
In judgement: the Left’s ‘blow across the fisher girl’s rush-woven roof’ (fukikosu ama no toma hisashi) is certainly elegant. The Right’s ‘ospreys hunt along the strand at Isora’ (misago iru isora ga saki) seems a kind of overblown style, yet the Left seems particularly pleasant in form. I make it the winner.
