On the conception of love on first meeting, from a hundred poem sequence at the residence of the Gohosshōji Lay Priest and Former Regent and Chancellor [Fujiwara no Tadamichi].
たのまずはしかまのかちの色をみよあひそめてこそふかくなるなれ
| tanomazu wa shikama no kachi no iro o miyo ai somete koso fukaku narunare | Unasked, Shikama’s fresh dyed Hues behold! Our first meeting’s indigo dyes Grow ever deeper! |
Left
あひそめて後は飾磨の市にても夜がれがちをばかへじとぞ思ふ
| aisomete nochi wa shikama no ichi nite mo yogaregachi o ba kaeji to zo omou | First dyed with indigo, and flushed with love, Then to Shikama Market as Night’s dark cloth, only occasionally Will he return I fear… |
Kenshō
1189
Right (Win)
尋ばやほのかに三輪の市に出て命にかふるしるしありやと
| tazuneba ya honoka ni miwa no ichi ni iedete inochi ni kauru shirushi ari ya to | I would pay a visit to one I briefly glimpsed at Miwa Market – leaving My life I would exchange Were there to be a sign from her? |
Lord Takanobu
1190
The Right state: both of the latter sections of the Left’s poem are extremely informal. The Left state: the Right’s poem has no faults, but we do wonder about the appropriateness of ‘exchange for a sign’ (kauru shirushi).
In judgement: ‘first dyed with indigo’ (aisomete), ‘Shikama Market’ (shikama no ichi) and ‘night’s dark cloth’ (yogaregachi) – all of these sound evocative. Following ‘I briefly glimpsed at Miwa Market’ (honoka ni miwa no ichi) with ‘exchange’ (kauru) sounds rather abrupt, but saying, ‘were there to be a sign’ (shirushi ari ya) at Miwa Market does not sound pointless. Generally speaking, on the Way of Poetry, poems whose conception is plainly expressed do not consider their diction, while poems which place weight upon their diction lack a clear conception. Poems which attempt to fully express their configuration are often at variance from the topic – all this is well known. The Left’s poem has a poor final section. The Right wins.
Left (Win)
からあひの八入の衣色深くなどあながちにつらき心ぞ
| kara’ai no yashio no koromo iro fukaku nado anagachi ni tsuraki kokoro zo |
Deepest indigo Dipped many times, my robe’s Hue is dark, indeed; Why, with such heartless Cruelty am I treated… |
Lord Suetsune
1127
Right
衣衣にうつりし色はあだなれど心ぞ深き忍ぶもぢずり
| kinuginu ni utsurishi iro wa ada naredo kokoro zo fukaki shinobu mojizuri |
My robe’s Hues have shifted; Faithless is she, yet My heart’s depths Are stained with fern-patterned longing… |
Lord Takanobu
1128
The Right state: we wonder whether ‘deepest indigo dipped many times’ (kara’ai no yashio) should not be scarlet. How dark would the colour be then? In response: there is no possibility of interpreting this as scarlet. We have used deep indigo, so what is there to criticise in then using dark? The Left state: while we understand the conception of the poem, we feel the expression is somewhat lacking. ‘My heart’s depths are stained with secret longing’ (kokoro zo fukaki shinobu mojizuri) does not link well with the initial part of the poem.
In judgement: the Left’s initial ‘deepest indigo’ (kara’ai) certainly sounds elegant, and there is no reason to make it scarlet. I also see no reason to fault the use of dark, either. As for the Right, it does not sound as if ‘stained with fern-patterned longing’ (shinobu mojizuri) links with the remainder of the poem – from the beginning to ‘my heart’s depths’ (kokoro zo fukaki). The final ‘stained with fern-patterned longing’ seems to appear abruptly. Deepest indigo should win.