asagiri no hareyuku mama ni momijiba wa akanesashite zo iro masarikeru
As the morning mists Are clearing away The autumn leaves Shine madder red, Their hue the best of all.
Daishin 5
Right
月草の色どる比はかへれどもははそのもみぢこころにぞしむ
tsukikusa no irodoru koro wa kaeredomo hahaso no momiji kokoro ni zo shimu
At times the moon-grass’ Fair hues Will shift, yet those of The oaks in autumn Pierce right to the heart!
His Excellency Akinaka 6
The Left poem’s sequencing isn’t bad, but ‘shining madder red’ has, since ancient times, been used of the sun in poetry, while here it is simply ‘Shine madder red, / Their hue the best of all’. It gives the impression that there is some emotion missing. In a poem for this type of poetry match, I wonder if omitting a single element like this is a grave fault? Even so, I have no recollection of a poem being composed in this manner in any poetry match which people have used for reference from days gone by. In addition, the Right’s ‘At times the moon-grass’ / Fair hues / Will shift, yet’ and what follows shows little evidence of poetic cultivation, so in sum, it’s difficult to say anything here.
hito shirezu harenu nageki no aru mono o amaneku terase aki no yo no tsuki
Unknown to all A grief which never clears I have, so Shine without restraint, O, moon this autumn night!
His Excellency, Nagazane, Former Assistant Governor General of Dazai 3
Right
山の端のうき雲晴れてすみのぼる月と共にもゆくこころかな
yama no ha no ukigumo harete suminoboru tsuki to tomo ni yuku kokoro kana
At the mountains’ edge The drifting clouds unfurl, and Clearly climbing With the moon Goes my spirit!
Lady Hyōenokami 4
In the poem of the Left, the expression following ‘A grief which never clears / I have, so’ is both forceful and lacking in gentility; in addition, the poem of the Right’s ‘drifting clouds clear away’ and what follows seems stagnant, so the light of the moon these nights seems to be of the same standard.
