kakikumori tabine no io ni shigureshite tsuyukesa masaru kusamakura kana
Clouds claw in above The hut where I doze upon my travels, and Showers fall— Dew-drenched, above all, is My grassy pillow!
Lord Shigenori 91
Right
まばらなるいほよりもりてむらしぐれをりしくならのはにぞおとする
mabara naru io yori morite murashigure orishiku nara no ha ni zo otosuru
Leaky is My hut, so dripping through come The cloudbursts; Plucked and spread the oak Leaves make such a sound!
Lord Morikata 92
The Left sounds very straightforward. The Right appears heart-rendingly desolate, but I wonder if it isn’t a bit excessive to go so far as the poet reclining on spread oak leaves which are making a sound due to the shower dripping through the hut’s roof? Then again, the Left’s latter section appears to contain little feeling, so comparing the two poems’ together, they should tie, I feel.
kusamakura shigure mo sode o nurashikeri miyako o kouru namida naranedo
On a pillow of grass The showers, too, my sleeves Have soaked; Longing for the capital These tears are not, yet…
Hiromori 69
Right
かりいほさすならのからはのむらしぐれあはれはまきのおとばかりかは
kari’io sasu nara no karawa no murashigure aware wa maki no oto bakari ka wa
Erecting a crude hut, The withered leaves of oak are Struck by cloudbursts; Does sadness in the evergreens’ Sound solely lie?
Dharma Master Chikyō 70
Both Left and Right appear to have elegant configuration and diction, but the Left seems to presents the soaking of sleeves by showers as something novel, while the Right gives a feeling that it is only the sound of evergreens that makes one sad. Thus, these tie.
yamaga ni wa nara no karaba no chirishikite shigure no oto mo hageshikarikeri
In a mountain hut The withered oak leaves Scattering around and The shower’s sound is Severe, indeed!
Tamemitsu
Toshiyori’s judgement:
The poem on a mountain hut uses ‘withered oak leaves’ which sounds particularly poor; if one wants to refer to withered leaves then I would conclude the poem with this and not continue. In addition, I wonder about saying ‘the shower’s sound is severe’ – it gives the impression of standing on the peak of Mount Arachi and looking down upon the valley below.
