shirakumo o kokoronashi to mo iihateji aki no tsuki oba kakusazarikeri
That clouds of white Lack sensitivity, Surely, one cannot say, for The autumn moon They have not hidden.
Suketaka 71
Right
わきてしもをしまざらまし照る月の秋より後もくまなかりせば
wakiteshi mo oshimazaramashi teru tsuki no aki yori nochi mo kumanakariseba
Not at all Would I regret The shining of the moon, if After autumn, too It were made unclouded…
The Lay Priest Master 72
The Left sounds as if, in autumn in general clouds did not trail across the moon. It really does put me in mind of the preface to the Ancient and Modern collection, where it says that Kisen’s poetry is like ‘gazing at the moon in autumn when, just before dawn, it is covered with cloud’! As for the Right, it sounds as if whatever the season the moon is dark after autumn, but there are plenty of poems where you can ‘indeed see the moon in autumn’, and thus this is like blowing on someone’s hair to find a scab! These both seem of about the same quality.
sakura saku yoshino no yama no yamakaze ni fumoto o komete hana niourashi
Cherries bloom In the mountains of Yoshino, where The mountain breezes Make even the foothills Aglow with blossom.
Tomoshige 31
Right (Win)
花の色はあまりにけりなつくばねのこのもかのもにかかる白雲
hana no iro wa amarinikeri na tsukubane no kono mo kano mo ni kakaru shirakumo
The blossoms’ hues Have overflowed[1] The peak of Tsukuba— Near and far, both, Draped with clouds of white.[2]
Dharma Master Zenshin 32
The Left’s poem has no faults worth mentioning and, furthermore, is not particularly remarkable. The Right’s poem refers to the peak of Tsukuba; while this is generally thought of as a mountain, it is not necessarily limited to mountains and there are, I think, a bunch of instances where it means a place with lots of trees; however, because here it also conveys the conception of mountains, from the use of pleasant poetic technique, the Right should win.
[1] Zenshin is clearly referencing Ono no Komachi’s famous: Topic unknown. 花の色はうつりにけりないたづらにわが身世にふるながめせしまに hana no iro wa / utsurinikeri na / itazura ni / wa ga mi yo ni furu / nagame seshi ma ni ‘The blossoms’ hues / Have already faded away, / While in idle thoughts / My life goes by, / As I watch the long rains fall.’ (KKS II: 113).
[2] An allusive variation on: Eastern poem: a poem from Hitachi. 筑波嶺のこのもかのもに影はあれど君がみかげにます陰はなし tsukuba ne no / kono mo kano mo ni / kage aredo / kimi ga mikage ni / masu kage wa nashi ‘On the peak of Tsukuba / Here and there / Lie shadows, yet / To your shadow, my love (my Lord) / They cannot compare!’ Anonymous (KKS XX: 1095).
chiri chirazu hana yori hoka no iro zo naki kasanaru yama no mine no harukaze
Scattered, or not, Other than the blossoms’ Hues are there none Layered upon the mountain Peaks by the breeze in springtime.[1]
Shō 27
Right
かづらきやたかまの山はうづもれて空に棚引く春のしら雲
kazuragi ya takama no yama wa uzumorete sora ni tanabiku haru no shirakumo
In Kazuragi Takama Mountain Is buried by Trailing across the skies Clouds of white in springtime.
Nagatsuna 28
The Left’s poem appears fine. The Right’s poem, having ‘Takama Mountain is buried’ is both pretentious and does not link to anything. The Left must win.
[1] An allusive variation on: On a folding screen for the Kamo Virgin, for the place showing people going along a mountain path. ちりちらずきかまほしきをふるさとの花見て帰る人もあはなん chiri chirazu / kikamahoshiki o / furusato no / hana mitekaeru / hito mo awanan ‘Are they scattered, or not, is / What I would ask, but / The ancient estate’s / Blossom having seen and returned— / Those folk I would have you meet.’ Ise (SIS I: 49)
sakurabana sora ni amagiru shirakumo no tanabikiwataru kazuragi no yama
The cherry blossoms, As sky-sweeping Clouds of white Drape all across Kazuragi Mountain.
Takasuke 25
Right
さくらさくながらの山のながき日も昔をこひぬ時のまぞなき
sakura saku nagara no yama no nagaki hi mo mukashi o koinu toki no ma zo naki
The cherries bloom Changeless on Nagara Mountain; The lengthy days to Those beloved bygone Moments do not compare.
Shimotsuke 26
Neither Left nor Right has any faults worth mentioning. The Right’s poem appears tranquil, with an artless quality. It has a moving sensibility of longing for the past, but the Left’s poem should just about win, I think.
shirakumo no asa tatsu yama no karanishiki eda ni hito mura harukaze zo fuku
Clouds of white Arising with the morning on the mountain: Cathay brocade In a single bunch upon the branch Blown by the breeze of spring! [1]
Supernumerary Major Counsellor Moto’ie 21
Right (Win)
かづらきや嶺の桜のさきしより心の空にかかるしら雲
kazuragi ya mine no sakura no sakishi yori kokoro no sora ni kakaru shirakumo
Upon Kazuragi Peak, the cherries Have bloomed and ever since The heavens of my heart are Draped with clouds of white.
Lord Nobunari 22
The Left’s poem has ‘Arising with the morning on the mountain: Cathay brocade in a single bunch upon the branch’ and, while it mentions spring breezes in its final section and does not fail to reflect the surface appearance of its source poem, conveys a feeling of scarlet leaves without mentioning blossom or cherry, which I have to say is something of a fault. The Right’s poem does not seem poor and lacks any faults worth mentioning, so it should win.
