Round Five
Left
あきのよのふけゆくかぜにくもはれてはなだのそらにすめるつきかげ
| aki no yo no fukeyuku kaze ni kumo harete hanada no sora ni sumeru tsukikage | As the autumn night Wears on, the wind Clears away the cloud, and From the pale indigo sky Comes clear moonlight. |
Controller’s Graduate
37
Right
ふるさとのときぞともなきさびしさもなぐさむばかりすめる月かな
| furusato no toki zo tomonaki sabishisa mo nagusamu bakari sumeru tsuki kana | In the ancient capital Timeless is The lonely sadness Consoled only By the clear, bright moon! |
Kerin’in Graduate
38
The Left’s poem is a transparent copy of an older work. That poem is:
天の原四方のむら雲吹きはらひみどりの空にすめる月影
| ama no hara yomo no muragumo fukiharai midori no sora ni sumeru tsukikage | Across the plain of Heaven All the crowding clouds Are blown away, and From the sky so green Comes clear moonlight.[i] |
I don’t feel this is in any way different. As for the Right’s poem, while it is not the case that it is entirely without conception, it lacks any exemplary elements, so I don’t see how I can possibly recommend either of these.
The Left’s poem isn’t bad, but it should be revised to use ‘sky so green’, because using ‘pale indigo sky’ is vague. To decide in favour of it I would need there to be a prior poem as precedent. The Right’s poem is not particularly exemplary, but it does sound as if there are times like that. In the absence of a precedent for the Left, the poem of the Right wins.
[i] The source of this poem is unknown.
