kaze samumi yūkage kusa ni kakuroete hataorumushi no koe kikoyu nari
Chill the wind Upon the evening grasses, from Whence, concealed, The crickets’ Cries I hear.
Chikafusa 15
Right
誰がためとあやめも見えぬ夕ざれにはたおる虫の声聞ゆらん
ta ga tame to ayame mo mienu yūzare ni hataorumushi no koe kikoyuran
For whose sake Amidst the gloam Of eventide, might The crickets’ Cries I hear?
Lady Hȳoe 16
At present, ‘Amidst the gloam / Of eventide’ appears to have a bit more conception than ‘the evening grasses, from / Whence, concealed, / The crickets’.
aki no yo no fukeyuku kaze ni kumo harete hanada no sora ni sumeru tsukikage
As the autumn night Wears on, the wind Clears away the cloud, and From the pale indigo sky Comes clear moonlight.
Controller’s Graduate 37
Right
ふるさとのときぞともなきさびしさもなぐさむばかりすめる月かな
furusato no toki zo tomonaki sabishisa mo nagusamu bakari sumeru tsuki kana
In the ancient capital Timeless is The lonely sadness Consoled only By the clear, bright moon!
Kerin’in Graduate 38
The Left’s poem is a transparent copy of an older work. That poem is:
天の原四方のむら雲吹きはらひみどりの空にすめる月影
ama no hara yomo no muragumo fukiharai midori no sora ni sumeru tsukikage
Across the plain of Heaven All the crowding clouds Are blown away, and From the sky so green Comes clear moonlight.[i]
I don’t feel this is in any way different. As for the Right’s poem, while it is not the case that it is entirely without conception, it lacks any exemplary elements, so I don’t see how I can possibly recommend either of these.
The Left’s poem isn’t bad, but it should be revised to use ‘sky so green’, because using ‘pale indigo sky’ is vague. To decide in favour of it I would need there to be a prior poem as precedent. The Right’s poem is not particularly exemplary, but it does sound as if there are times like that. In the absence of a precedent for the Left, the poem of the Right wins.
saoshika no fushido o asami fuku kaze ni yowa ni naku ne zo fukaku nariyuku
The stag’s Resting place disturbed by The gusting wind At midnight his belling cry Comes from deeper in the mountains.
Chikanari 77
Right
さらでだにね覚かなしき秋風に夜しもなどか鹿の鳴くらん
sarade dani nezame kanashiki akikaze ni yoru shimo nado ka shika no nakuran
Even were it not so, To waken is so sad With the cruel autumn wind; Why is it that above all at night The stag should cry so?
Ie’kiyo 78
The Left poem’s ‘at midnight his belling cry comes from deeper’ does not sound especially elegant. The Right poem composes ‘why is it that above all at night the stag should cry so’, sounding like it is only at night that stags bell, but stags do this all the time in autumn. The Ancient and Modern also has the composition, ‘Mud-daubers buzzing / In the autumn bush clover; / Leaving with morning’.[1] The poems of Left and Right have no merits or faults between them—they should tie.
[1] This is a quotation from: Topic unknown. すがるなく秋のはぎはらあさたちて旅行く人をいつとかまたむ sugaru naku / aki no hagiwara / asa tachite / tabi yuku hito o / itsu to ka matan ‘Mud-daubers buzzing / In the autumn bush clover; / Leaving with morning, / Away on a journey: for him, / How long must I wait?’ Anonymous (KKS VIII: 366)
