Round Six
Left (Win)
やへざくらふるきみやこににほへどもふりずもはなのめづらしきかな
| yaezakura furuki miyako ni nioedomo furizu mo hana no mezurashiki kana | Eightfold cherry Around the ancient capital Does glow, yet Unfallen and anew, the blossoms Are remarkable! |
Cell of Fragrant Cloud
11
Right
みやこいでてかりそめにこし山ざとの花に心のからめられぬる
| miyako idete karisome ni koshi yamazato no hana ni kokoro no karamerarenuru | Departing the capital On occasion I make my way To a mountain retreat where The blossoms my heart Have entangled. |
Cell of Compassionate Light
12
The Left’s poem is a clear example of the overlayed diction fault. As for the Right’s poem, saying ‘have entangled’ is extremely overblown diction. Whatever sort of poem it might be, this expression would be unacceptable, wouldn’t it! Was this, perhaps, composed with an imperfect understanding of the Kawara Minister’s poem? That goes ‘For the scented / Breeze has yet to blow…’[1] Perhaps this is a misreading of a character in the poem’s text?[i] The Left has the fault of overlayed diction, and the Right…[ii]
The Left’s poem is extremely charming. I do have to say that having both ‘ancient’ (furuki) and ‘unfallen’ (furizu) is a fault and yet, this should not be criticized excessively. The poem of the Right’s ‘On occasion I make my way’, too, does not seem as if the poet is visiting the blossom, and so is lacking in sentiment. The concluding ‘have entangled’ is a piece of overblown diction, although it is not the case that it does not appear in prior poetry,[2] but I still feel that it grates on the ear a bit.
[1] When he participated in an archery display, during the reign of the Jōgan emperor [Seiwa]. けふ桜しづくにわが身いざぬれむかごめにさそふ風のこぬまに kyō sakura / shizuku ni wa ga mi / iza nuremu / kagome ni sasou / kaze no konu ma ni ‘Today let cherry blossom / Droplets my body / Drench! / For the scented / Breeze has yet to blow…’ The Kawara Minister of the Left (GSS II: 56)
[2] 美知乃倍乃 宇万良能宇礼尓 波保麻米乃 可良麻流伎美乎 波可礼加由加牟 michi no e no / umara no ure ni / haomame no / karamaru kimi o / hagareka yukamu ‘At the roadside / The briar rose tips / By bean vines / Are entangled, but from you / My love, I must depart…’ Hasetsukabe no Tori (MYS XX: 4352)
[i] Mototoshi is suggesting that Sōen has misread kagome かこめ in Minamoto no Tōru’s famous earlier poem as karame からめ, which would have been possible if reading a handwritten text.
[ii] There is a lacuna in Mototoshi’s judgement here, but it is clear from what he has said that he disapproved of both poems this round and so it would have been a tie.