tsuki kiyomi nagamuru hito no kokoro sae kumoi ni sumeru aki no yowa kana
The moon, so pure, that Gazing folk feel Their very hearts Clearly in the heavens On an autumn midnight!
Lord Shige’ie 49
Right
のこるべきかきねの雪は先消えてほかはつもるとみゆる月かな
nokorubeki kakine no yuki wa mazu kiete hoka wa tsumoru to miyuru tsuki kana
It should be lingering On my brushwood fence, but the snow First vanishes, then Piling up elsewhere Appears moonlight!
Lord Yorimasa 50
The Left seems extremely commonplace, and simply ending ‘autumn midnight’ feels incomplete. As for the Right, what does it mean to say that ‘the snow upon my brushwood fence first vanishes’? Might it mean that because of the fence’s shadow, the moon’s light cannot be seen? It really sounds as if the poet has gone too far in his quest for unusual expressions. Then there’s ‘piling up elsewhere’ along with ‘autumn midnight’—neither of these sound superior, so it’s impossible to say which poem is.
saoshika no sora ni aware to kikoyuru wa yama no takane ni nakeba narikeri
A stag belling To the skies, sadly I hear— Perhaps, because ‘tis on the mountain’s peak He cries so…
Lord Masahira
45
Right (Win)
ゆふまぐれ霧のまがきのさびしさにをしか鳴くなり秋の山里
yūmagure kiri no magaki no sabishisa ni oshika nakunari aki no yamazato
Tangled in twilight With mist around my brushwood fence, Loneliness fills me, as A stag bells, by A mountain retreat in autumn
Shinkaku 46
What on earth is the conception of ‘sadly hearing something in the skies’? While no one can truly know why a stag bells, what is the point of saying that ‘sadness is in the skies’? And if one does hear it, it isn’t the case that anyone really knows that the stag is belling out of longing for his mate, is it. The stag seeming to bell by a brushwood fence in the mist, seems to sound a bit more moving at the moment.
yamakaze ni shioruru nobe no kusamura no neya samushi to ya shika no nakuran
The mountain wind Withers the meadow’s Clumps of grasses— Is it his chilly bedchamber That makes the stag cry out?
Moromitsu 39
Right (Win)
あはれとはねらふさつをも思ふらんをしか妻どふ秋の夕ぐれ
aware to wa nerau satsuo mo omouran oshika tsumadobu aki no yūgure
‘How sad,’ The aiming hunter, too, Seems to think, as The stag searches for his mate On an autumn evening…
Lay Priest Sanekiyo 40
The Left shows no technique from beginning to end, compounded by the fact that, while ‘although the stag does lie’ is a common expression in poetry, ‘bedchamber’ is something I am unaccustomed to hearing. As for the Right, ‘aiming hunter’ is distasteful to hear, but the poem is not bad overall, so it wins.
