asagiri no hareyuku mama ni momijiba wa akanesashite zo iro masarikeru
As the morning mists Are clearing away The autumn leaves Shine madder red, Their hue the best of all.
Daishin 5
Right
月草の色どる比はかへれどもははそのもみぢこころにぞしむ
tsukikusa no irodoru koro wa kaeredomo hahaso no momiji kokoro ni zo shimu
At times the moon-grass’ Fair hues Will shift, yet those of The oaks in autumn Pierce right to the heart!
His Excellency Akinaka 6
The Left poem’s sequencing isn’t bad, but ‘shining madder red’ has, since ancient times, been used of the sun in poetry, while here it is simply ‘Shine madder red, / Their hue the best of all’. It gives the impression that there is some emotion missing. In a poem for this type of poetry match, I wonder if omitting a single element like this is a grave fault? Even so, I have no recollection of a poem being composed in this manner in any poetry match which people have used for reference from days gone by. In addition, the Right’s ‘At times the moon-grass’ / Fair hues / Will shift, yet’ and what follows shows little evidence of poetic cultivation, so in sum, it’s difficult to say anything here.
The poem of the Left is entirely lacking in any interest. Isn’t this a sage’s jewelled tree? It really leaves me grief-stricken. The poem of the Right contains two faults in a single work. First, this is not the right time of year to be referring to a ‘verdant mountain’. Second, ‘vanishes from sight’ refers to disappearing in water. In the Collection of a Myriad Leaves ‘vanishing from sight’ is written as ‘hidden in the water’. Thus we have lines such as, ‘swarming frogs hiding in the weeds beneath the waves’. There are no prior poems mentioning ‘mountains vanishing from sight’ in either ancient or modern times.
On the matter of the ‘tree of gems’, I heard a long time ago that this might have appeared in an important source, but as this is something I know little about, even if this is a fault, it’s difficult for me to say anything about it. Well, in any case, it doesn’t sound bad. Would someone who knows all about this compose poorly? The Right’s poem lacks elegance, but it doesn’t sound like it has any other faults. It’s inferior to the Left only in ornamentation.
[i] Some sources identify Mototoshi as the composer of this poem.
[ii] This poem is included in Toshiyori’s personal collection, Sanboku kikashū (670), with the headnote, ‘Composed in place of someone for a poetry match in Nara’,
oto ni sae tamoto o nurasu shigure kana maki no itaya ni yowa no nezame ni
Even the sound Does soak my sleeves with A shower Striking my roof of cedar boards, Awaking at midnight…
Lord Sadanobu 13
Right
しぐれとて柞の杜にたちよれば木のはとともに降りかかるかな
shigure tote hahaso no mori ni tachiyoreba ko no ha to tomo ni furikakaru kana
When with a shower’s fall Within the oak forest I head to stand Together with the leaves, It strikes me as it falls!
Lord Munekuni 14
Toshiyori states: the first poem’s composition on one’s sleeves getting soaked on hearing a sound is extremely charming. It sounds like that’s really how it is. The latter poem, too, is smooth, and the final line appears to have had some thought put into it, so I dread having to say that the first poem wins.
Mototoshi states: ‘a shower at midnight upon a roof of cedar boards’ is a particularly superlative image, and that this would drench one’s sleeves is also extremely charming. While ‘the oak forest’ does not appear bad, it’s not that remarkable, and ‘waking at midnight’ is something that certainly occurs, I feel.
