The Right team remark about the Left’s poem that ‘beginning two lines with so (sode…sora) is grating’, while the Left have no criticisms to make of the Right’s poem.
Shunzei states, ‘The gentlemen of the Right have remarked upon the Left poem’s grating qualities. Nevertheless, does it not seem that this path across the Shiga Mountains is particularly intriguing? The Right’s poem mentions ‘blossom from the treetops/footprints mark’ (hana no kozue ni ato miete), but if the sense is that the blossom has already fallen, it seems that there would be little of interest in such a sight. The Left should win, I think.’
The Right team have no particular criticisms of the Left’s poem this round. The Left, though, say ‘What are we to make of ‘Sundown seems a long, long way away’ (hi wa harukanari)?’ (Probably suggesting it’s an insufficiently poetic expression to use in a waka.)
Shunzei doesn’t address the Left’s criticism in his judgement, simply saying, ‘The Left’s final section starting “amongst the cherry blossom do I live” (sakura ni kurasu) sounds charming. It must win.’
Both teams say their feelings are as in the previous round.
Shunzei says, ‘The final stanza ‘At the mountain – blossom-covered – yet not on its western side alone…’ (hana saku yama wa nishi o wakanedo) appears particularly splendid. The Right’s ‘I cannot spend my days: dwelling on a mountain’ (kurashi zo kanuru yamazato no) is also good, but ‘The blossoms not yet blooming’ (hana sakanu ma) would be more appropriate for a poem on the end of the First, or beginning of the Second Month. Wouldn’t it?’
The Right team have no particular remarks to make about the Left’s poem this round, but the Left state that the Right’s poem is ‘most satisfying.’
Shunzei’s judgement is: ‘The Left’s “Is this haze?” (kasumi ka wa) seems like it wants to be “Is this just haze?” (kasumi nomi ka wa). “In blossom and warbler song am I sealed” (hana uguisu ni tojirarete) and “my home this dawn” (yado no akebono) remind one of “the lofty palace of Shinsei stands behind warblers and blossom” and this is excellent. As for the Right’s poem, this is particularly moving, with its depiction of the scene “departing from the waves, narrow clouds trail across the sky” (nami ni hanaruru yokogumo no sora), recalling “the pine-clad peak of Sué” (sue no matsuyama). The poem does start with “hazes rise” (kasumi tatsu) and having “haze” (kasumi), “wave” (nami) and “cloud” (kumo) means the poem is somewhat overburdened with similar imagery. “Narrow clouds trail across the sky”, though, does make a particularly strong impression, and the Left’s poem is merely satisfying, as has been said. Thus, “my home this dawn” must lose, I think.’
Neither side has any comments to make about these two poems.
Shunzei says both poems possess a ‘scintillating beauty’, but wonders whether the Right’s hasn’t borrowed too heavily from the Monk Sosei’s poem:
Composed as a Spring Poem
おもふどち春の山邊に打群れてそこともいはぬ旅寢してしか
omoFudoti
Faru no yamabe ni
utimurete
soko tomo iFanu
tabine sitesika
My friends,
In springtime in the mountain meadows
Did we gather,
Heedless of our place,
Wanted we to sleep out on our trip!
KKS II: 126
However, using the variation to borrow lodging from a warbler is, indeed, ‘scintillating’ and neither poems ‘sounds the least bit old-fashioned’. Hence, the round must be a tie.
Both teams state that their poems are of the same order.
Shunzei remarks that both poems are in the spirit of the Kokinshū’s ‘In green/The grasses seem as one/When seen in springtime’, and neither has a substantial advantage over the other, except that the Right’s ‘when just the grass has sprouted’ might be an ‘undesirable expression’?
Neither team has any comments to make about the other’s poem.
Shunzei remarks tha the use of no in the Left’s poem is ‘repetitious’. The Right’s phrasing ‘My mountain retreat,/With grasses growing ‘tween the snow’ (yamazato no yukima no kusa) was ‘certainly unusual’, but the poem was ‘appealing’. However, the Left’s poem is successful in evoking Kasuga Plain, and hence it is ‘difficult to judge it lacking’. Thus, a tie is the fairest result.
Neither team have any comments to make about the other’s poem.
Shunzei comments that both poems sound ‘excellent’, but the Left’s begins ‘between the trees’ (ko no ma yori) and then continues to mention ‘pines’: are the ‘trees’ pines? Or, are they a different type? Whichever is the case, this is, perhaps, a ‘compositional error’. As for the Right’s poem, the expression, ‘sweeping ‘way the ice/The wind through the valley’ (kôri o harau/tanikaze no) is ‘charming’, but he ‘greatly dislikes’ the use of tsuzuku. (It’s unclear why he says this, as he gives no further explanation: the commentators suggest that it could be that the word is too conventional, or that it was generally considered more attractive in poetry to have something ending, rather than continuing, or simply that he didn’t like the way the poem was read out on this occasion!) Given that both poems are ‘equally excellent’ , and that the Left is ‘unclear’ over its trees, a tie has to be awarded.
The Right team have no comments to make about the Left’s poem this round, but the Left wonder whether the essence of the poem, of the warbler’s ‘tears of ice’ and song inviting the waters, might not be a bit much?
Shunzei remarks that the form and phrasing of the Left’s poem is ‘certainly charming’, and echoes their criticism of the Right’s poem, as having an ‘impossible essence’. He then goes on to say, ‘The Left is placidly charming; the Right’s essence must be excessive. They are equivalent and I judge this round a tie.’