asagiri no hareyuku mama ni momijiba wa akanesashite zo iro masarikeru
As the morning mists Are clearing away The autumn leaves Shine madder red, Their hue the best of all.
Daishin 5
Right
月草の色どる比はかへれどもははそのもみぢこころにぞしむ
tsukikusa no irodoru koro wa kaeredomo hahaso no momiji kokoro ni zo shimu
At times the moon-grass’ Fair hues Will shift, yet those of The oaks in autumn Pierce right to the heart!
His Excellency Akinaka 6
The Left poem’s sequencing isn’t bad, but ‘shining madder red’ has, since ancient times, been used of the sun in poetry, while here it is simply ‘Shine madder red, / Their hue the best of all’. It gives the impression that there is some emotion missing. In a poem for this type of poetry match, I wonder if omitting a single element like this is a grave fault? Even so, I have no recollection of a poem being composed in this manner in any poetry match which people have used for reference from days gone by. In addition, the Right’s ‘At times the moon-grass’ / Fair hues / Will shift, yet’ and what follows shows little evidence of poetic cultivation, so in sum, it’s difficult to say anything here.
