The scent of orange blossom incense on the breeze[i]
Left
ふくかぜに花たちばなぞにほふなるむかしのそでにあやまたれつつ
fuku kaze ni hanatachibana zo niou naru mukashi no sode ni ayamataretsutsu
With the gusting breeze Orange blossom’s Fragrance comes— For those sleeves of bygone days Do I ever mistake it…
13
Right
つねよりもことにもあるかなけふをまつはなたちばなのかぜのにほひは
tsune yori mo koto ni mo aru kana kyō o matsu hanatachibana no kaze no nioi wa
More than ever So special it is! For today have I awaited, Orange blossom’s Scented breeze…
14
In general, orange blossom is scented during early summer showers or has its fragrance carried on the evening breeze, so I wonder about the folk of bygone days: there’s nothing to compare it with, making the Left’s poem as hackneyed as one on Isonokami, yet there’s nothing special about it, like a weed growing under the eaves. The Right’s poem has ‘for today have I awaited’, which I think requires a reference to sweet-flags. My overall impression of both poems is that their conceptions are unclear.
ogi no ha wa kureyuku kaze ni otosu nari wa ga matsu hito no kakaramashikaba
The cogon grass fronds With the falling twilight breezes Sound out, though Were it the man I’m waiting for It would be better…
Major Controller of the Left Tametaka 31
Right
逢ふことはかた野にしげる荻の葉の音をばたつな秋ははつとも
au koto wa katano ni shigeru ogi no ha no oto oba tatsu na aki wa hatsu tomo
Our meeting, so hard: On the hillside thickly growing, O, cogon grass fronds Do not make a sound! For with autumn’s end I have had enough, yet..
Horikawa, Court Lady to Her Highness 32
I feel that the emotions encompassed by the sound of the wind in ‘Were it the man I’m waiting for / It would be better’ sounded more striking than ‘On the hillside thickly growing, / O, cogon grass fronds’.
tsure mo naki hito ni miseba ya hanasusuki uranaku kaze ni nabiku keshiki o
To that cruel Girl would I show The flowering silver grass, In the artless wind Inclining…
Lord Masakane, Controller and Head Chamberlain 27
Right
くる人も絶えぬる宿の糸すすきほに出て誰を招くなるらん
kuru hito mo taenuru yado no itosusuki ho ni idete tare o maneku naruran
His visits have Ceased to this house, so The slender silver grass Bursting into bud—who Might it be beckoning?
Tadasue 28
The Left’s poem, up to ‘would I show’ is poetic, but I do not feel that the expression ‘In the artless wind / Inclining’ is elegant. For the topic of love, it seems to me that both the beginning and the end of the poem is a slight case of ‘As a bamboo stalk / Has joints, from years gone by old-fashioned phrases’ lingering! The Right’s ‘Ceased to this house, so / The slender silver grass’ lacks anything remarkable about it, and seems excessively overgrown, so it’s impossible to decide on anyone as the winner or loser here.
kaze samumi yūkage kusa ni kakuroete hataorumushi no koe kikoyu nari
Chill the wind Upon the evening grasses, from Whence, concealed, The crickets’ Cries I hear.
Chikafusa 15
Right
誰がためとあやめも見えぬ夕ざれにはたおる虫の声聞ゆらん
ta ga tame to ayame mo mienu yūzare ni hataorumushi no koe kikoyuran
For whose sake Amidst the gloam Of eventide, might The crickets’ Cries I hear?
Lady Hȳoe 16
At present, ‘Amidst the gloam / Of eventide’ appears to have a bit more conception than ‘the evening grasses, from / Whence, concealed, / The crickets’.
aki no yo no fukeyuku kaze ni kumo harete hanada no sora ni sumeru tsukikage
As the autumn night Wears on, the wind Clears away the cloud, and From the pale indigo sky Comes clear moonlight.
Controller’s Graduate 37
Right
ふるさとのときぞともなきさびしさもなぐさむばかりすめる月かな
furusato no toki zo tomonaki sabishisa mo nagusamu bakari sumeru tsuki kana
In the ancient capital Timeless is The lonely sadness Consoled only By the clear, bright moon!
Kerin’in Graduate 38
The Left’s poem is a transparent copy of an older work. That poem is:
天の原四方のむら雲吹きはらひみどりの空にすめる月影
ama no hara yomo no muragumo fukiharai midori no sora ni sumeru tsukikage
Across the plain of Heaven All the crowding clouds Are blown away, and From the sky so green Comes clear moonlight.[i]
I don’t feel this is in any way different. As for the Right’s poem, while it is not the case that it is entirely without conception, it lacks any exemplary elements, so I don’t see how I can possibly recommend either of these.
The Left’s poem isn’t bad, but it should be revised to use ‘sky so green’, because using ‘pale indigo sky’ is vague. To decide in favour of it I would need there to be a prior poem as precedent. The Right’s poem is not particularly exemplary, but it does sound as if there are times like that. In the absence of a precedent for the Left, the poem of the Right wins.
