Round Twelve

Left (Win)

ほのかにてあるかなきかにすぐるみやなみまにまがふあまのいさりび

honoka nite aru ka naki ka ni suguru mi ya namima ni magau ama no isaribi

Faintly, Uncertain if I’m here or not Do I pass through? Entangled between the waves, A fisherman’s torch.

Lord Suetsune
123

Right

すみよしのなをたのみこししるしありてかへるみやこにおもひいでもがな

sumiyoshi no na o tanomikoshi shirushi arite kaeru miyako ni omoi’ide mogana

In Sumiyoshi’s Name did I place my trust— Had it some effect then On returning to the capital Happy memories, I would have!

Takanobu
124

The Left appears to have pleasant configuration and diction, saying ‘Entangled between the waves, / A fisherman’s torch’. Using ‘faintly’ and then concluding with ‘fisherman’s torch’ is extremely charming, but I do wonder about describing a person’s passage through the world as ‘faint’. The Right sounds elegant in style, but saying, ‘On returning to the capital / Happy memories, I would have!’ could be saying that the memories are of the return to the capital itself, and I don’t feel this matches with the initial part of the poem. In addition, is the conception of wanting the deity’s aid for the return? This sounds rather capricious. The Left has a pleasant configuration, and thus it should win.