hahasowara kurenai fukaku sometekeri shigure no ame wa iro nakeredomo
The oak groves Deeply scarlet Have been dyed, Though the rain shower Lacks any hue at all…
Lord Shigemoto 23
Right (M – Win)
山里はならのから葉の散敷きてしぐれの音もはげしかりけり
yamazato wa nara no karaba no chirishikite shigure no oto mo hageshikarikeri
My mountain retreat has The oaks’ withered leaves Scattered and spread around, so The sound of showers is all The more severe.
Lord Tamezane 24
Toshiyori states: the ‘oak grove’ poem, saying that plants fade and autumn leaves are dyed by things like dew and frost is as unremarkable as saying that one’s sweetheart’s skirt trails down. The ‘mountain retreat’ poem has ‘the oaks’ withered leaves’ and this is problematic. It would certainly have been better to avoid using ‘withered leaves’. In addition, I wonder about saying ‘the sound of showers is severe’? I feel it would be better to use this when looking down on the stony valley gate from the high peak of Mount Arachi. The first poem is slightly superior.
Mototoshi states; the poems of Left and Right are about the same quality, but the Left’s poem lacks a conception of showers and is entirely a poem on scarlet leaves, so in the current context ‘oaks’ withered leaves’ is slightly superior.
kusamakura shigure mo sode o nurashikeri miyako o kouru namida naranedo
On a pillow of grass The showers, too, my sleeves Have soaked; Longing for the capital These tears are not, yet…
Hiromori 69
Right
かりいほさすならのからはのむらしぐれあはれはまきのおとばかりかは
kari’io sasu nara no karawa no murashigure aware wa maki no oto bakari ka wa
Erecting a crude hut, The withered leaves of oak are Struck by cloudbursts; Does sadness in the evergreens’ Sound solely lie?
Dharma Master Chikyō 70
Both Left and Right appear to have elegant configuration and diction, but the Left seems to presents the soaking of sleeves by showers as something novel, while the Right gives a feeling that it is only the sound of evergreens that makes one sad. Thus, these tie.
yamaga ni wa nara no karaba no chirishikite shigure no oto mo hageshikarikeri
In a mountain hut The withered oak leaves Scattering around and The shower’s sound is Severe, indeed!
Tamemitsu
Toshiyori’s judgement:
The poem on a mountain hut uses ‘withered oak leaves’ which sounds particularly poor; if one wants to refer to withered leaves then I would conclude the poem with this and not continue. In addition, I wonder about saying ‘the shower’s sound is severe’ – it gives the impression of standing on the peak of Mount Arachi and looking down upon the valley below.
