Stags and the Dawn

Round Five

Left

暁になりやしぬらん小倉山なく鹿のねに月かたぶきぬ

akatsuki ni nari ya shinuran ogurayama naku shika no ne ni tsuki katabukinu

Is the dawning On its way, I wonder? On gloomy Mount Ogura Crying, a stag bell out As the moon sets.

Mototoshi, Former Assistant Captain in the Palace Guards, Left Division
9

Right

暁や声高砂になく鹿をほのかにやきく沖の舟人

akatsuki ya koe takasago ni naku shika o honoka ni ya kiku oki no funabito

At the dawning From the heights, the bell, at Takasago Of a stag Is faintly heard, perhaps, By the boatmen on the offing…

Head
10

The Left’s poem lacks any superlative diction, yet does not appear to have any glaring faults either. As for the Right’s poem, I do question the placement of ‘at’ in ‘at the dawning’ and, in addition, the order seems reversed in ‘From the heights, the bell, at Takasago / Of a stag’—so much so that I find it difficult to grasp the sense. If the poem had been composed to put ‘stag’ before ‘heights of Takasago’, the poem would feel more trustworthy, wouldn’t it.