kakikumori tabine no io ni shigureshite tsuyukesa masaru kusamakura kana
Clouds claw in above The hut where I doze upon my travels, and Showers fall— Dew-drenched, above all, is My grassy pillow!
Lord Shigenori 91
Right
まばらなるいほよりもりてむらしぐれをりしくならのはにぞおとする
mabara naru io yori morite murashigure orishiku nara no ha ni zo otosuru
Leaky is My hut, so dripping through come The cloudbursts; Plucked and spread the oak Leaves make such a sound!
Lord Morikata 92
The Left sounds very straightforward. The Right appears heart-rendingly desolate, but I wonder if it isn’t a bit excessive to go so far as the poet reclining on spread oak leaves which are making a sound due to the shower dripping through the hut’s roof? Then again, the Left’s latter section appears to contain little feeling, so comparing the two poems’ together, they should tie, I feel.
tabinesuru iso no tomaya no murashigure aware o nami no utchisoetekeru
Dozing on my travels In a sedge-thatched hut upon the rocky shore, The cloudbursts’ Sadness with that of the waves Is laced.
Lord Sane’ie 89
Right (Win)
もりもあへずまだきにぬるるたもとかなこずゑしぐるるまつのしたぶし
mori mo aezu mada ki ni nururu tamoto kana kozue shigururu matsu no shitabushi
No drips Yet have come to my soaking Sleeves— The treetops showered, as Beneath the pines I lay me down.
Atsuyori 90
The Left’s sound of the waves ‘In a sedge-thatched hut upon the rocky shore… Sadness with that of the waves / Is laced’ does, indeed, convey an inference of sadness, but the concluding ‘is laced’ sounds a bit inappropriate. The Right’s conception and configuration, too, are extremely charming. ‘Beneath the pines I lay me down’ is, I think, a novel construction—although I do get the impression that that it sounds like something which has prior precedent. Still, saying ‘No drips / Have yet come to my soaking’ and then ‘The treetops showered, as / Beneath the pines’ means that the sound conveys the loneliness as it truly is. Thus, again, the Right wins.
