Round Five

Left (Tie)

うちきらしあまぎるそらと見しほどにやがてつもれる雪の白山

uchikirashi amagiru sora to mishi hodo ni yagate tsumoreru yuki no shirayama

Suddenly concealed By mist, the skies I glimpsed and In a moment drifted Snow covered Shira Mountain with white.

Controller’s Graduate
51

Right

としをへてふし見の山にふるゆきはとこめづらにもおもしろきかな

toshi o hete fushimi no yama ni furu yuki wa tokomezura ni mo omoshiroki kana

Through all the passing years Upon Fushimi Mountain The falling snow Feels ever fresh And full of charm!

Kerin’in Graduate

52

The poem of the Left’s ‘Suddenly concealed / By mist, the skies’ is a clear case of repeating the same meaning. In addition, ‘snow covered Shira Mountain’ is one which is snow-capped regardless of whether it’s summer or winter. It’s not a mountain where one would be startled at seeing it ‘suddenly concealed’. The poem of the Right says that ‘through all the passing years the estate at Fushimi…feels ever fresh’, which seems as if this poem is specifying a period when this applies. It’s certainly a bit of a reach to say that this would be charming, but it’s not incongruous. Thus, I make this a tie.

I am unable to grasp the sense of the Left poem’s ‘suddenly concealed’. If it had been ‘concealed with falling’ then that would be better. In addition, I don’t understand the final ‘snow covered Shira Mountain’ either. I would have preferred it if the order had been ‘Shira Mountain’s snow’, but putting the ‘snow’ first seems to lack fluency and so, regretfully I would change this.

The Right’s ‘Fushimi Mountain’ is difficult to understand. It seems that ‘estate’ is a more standard composition, and ‘mountain’ is a novel usage. Having ‘Fushimi’ ‘feel fresh’ is evidence of thought, but even so, ‘mountain’ is vague.