Left (Win).
夕さればそゝや下葉も安からで露は袂に荻の上風
| yūsareba soso ya shitaba mo yasukarade tsuyu wa tamoto ni ogi no uwakaze |
When the evening comes, Rustling underleaves Are restless; Dewdrops on the sleeves: Wind o’er the silver-grass. |
379
Right.
暮行けば野邊も一つに露滿ちて蟲の音になる庭の淺茅生
| kureyukeba nobe mo hitotsu ni tsuyu michite mushi no ne ni naru niwa no asajū |
When evening falls The plains, too, are completely Dew-drenched; Insects sing from The cogon grasses in my garden. |
380
The Right remark that ‘it is not clear what the “underleaves” (shitaba) belong to until the end of the poem’. The Left have a number of criticisms: ‘In the Right’s poem, it sounds as if the “cogon grass” (asaji) becomes “insects”. In addition, the topic of this poem is not “Garden Huts”. Furthermore, the poem lacks any expression conveying the emotional overtones of the topic – particularly with “the plains, too, are completely” (nobe mo hitotsu ni).’
Shunzei’s judgement: It is standard expression to begin a poem with ‘underleaves’, when concluding with ‘silver-grass’ as in the Left’s case. However, ‘rustling’ (sosoya) seems unnecessary in this poem. It seems a rather forced interpretation to think the cogon grass is turning into insects, seeing as this is not something that happens in nature. That this is a poem more suited to the topic of ‘Garden Huts’, though, is an unavoidable fault. So, while I cannot be satisfied with the inclusion of ‘rustling’, the final section of this poem is fine. It wins.