Round Four

Left

うちむれていはねにねざすこまつばのきぎのちとせはきみぞかぞへむ

uchimurete iwane ni nezasu komatsuba no kigi no chitose wa kimi zo kazoemu

Crowding At the crags’ foot, roots stretching, The dwarf pines’ needles with The trees’ thousand years— My Lord may count them all!

Cell of the Fragrant Elephant
63

Right (Win)

たとふべきものこそなけれ君がよははまのまさごもかずなからめや

tatoubeki mono koso nakere kimi ga yo wa hama no masago mo kazu nakarame ya

A suitable metaphor Is there none, at all! My Lord’s reign: Even the fair sands on the shore Would not exceed its number…

Cell of Everlasting Truth
64

Both of the Left poem’s expressions, ‘crowding’ and ‘dwarf pines’ needles’, seem to sound awkward. ‘Crowding’ is used of cranes, while it would have been preferable to say ‘the needles of the dwarf pines’. The poem of the Right is not especially charming, but it is in a familiar style, so I feel that ‘the fair sands’ number’ is superior.

I feel that ‘crowding’ is better applied to human beings. Perhaps there’s a conception here of looking down on each and every one? This is a mistake, isn’t it? In addition, what is ‘dwarf pines’ needles’? Maybe the poet is trying to say ‘the needles of the dwarf pines’? Is there a prior poem as precedent? It’s a piece of awkward-sounding diction! The Right’s poem appears straightforward, but without errors.