utsuriyuku hana no shita michi ato mo nashi nagame mo shiroki haru no yamakaze
The shifting Blossom on the paths beneath Leaves no footprints there; My gaze with whiteness filled By spring’s breezes in the mountains.
Dōchin 23
Right (Win)
身にかへておもふもくるし桜花さかぬみ山に宿もとめてん
mi ni kaete omou mo kurushi sakurabana sakanu miyama ni yado mo tometen
It should be me instead, I think, but even that brings pain; Where cherry blossoms Fail to bloom, deep within the mountains Should I make my home.
Dharma Master Nyokan 24
The Left’s poem does not sound poor, but has ‘gaze with whiteness’—a long time ago, Lay Priest Toshinari repeatedly said that it is not appropriate to compose about looking at something specific using ‘gaze’. The initial and concluding section of the Right’s poem sound fine—it should win.
The Right state: we would have preferred it to have been ‘is it that my heart drifts?’ (ukinuru kokoro ya). The Left state: the Right’s poem lacks faults.
In judgement: the final sections of both poems seem fine. For strict correctness, the Left should have had ‘my drifting heart does seem confused’ (ukinuru kokoro wa mayourashi), but because this would not fit with the poem, he has left it as ‘in seeming confusion’ (mayouran). The poem is fine as it is, without introducing ‘is it that my heart’ (kokoro ya). I don’t know what to make of the expression ‘to your home’ (kimigari), but ‘how may layers must the clouds pass though on the heavenly paths?’ (kumo wa iku e zo sora no kayoiji) is charming. Then again, the Right’s ‘buries my heart beneath the evening skies?’ (kokoro o uzumu yūgure no sora) has a gentle beauty about it. Thus, the round should tie.
