Left (Win).
雪のうちに猶も緑の色ながら千世をあらはす嶺の若松
| yuki no uchi ni nao mo midori no iro nagara chiyo o arawasu mine no wakamatsu |
In amongst the snows, Yet still does the fresh, green Hue remain; A thousand years made manifest in The young pines on the peak. |
553
Right.
今朝見れば雪高砂の松が枝は土につくまで降り積みにけり
| kesa mireba yuki takasago no matsu ga e wa tsuchi ni tsuku made furitsuminikeri |
Looking on this morning The snow has reached such heights The pine boughs are Bent down to the ground, Buried by the fall… |
554
The Right find no fault with the Left’s poem. The Left state that the Right’s poem is ‘lacking in sense’.
Shunzei’s judgement: The Left’s ‘A thousand years made manifest in the young pines on the peak’ (chiyo o arawasu mine no wakamatsu) is charming [okashiku miehaberu], but the in the phrase ‘Yet still does the fresh, green’ (nao mo midori no), the use of ‘still’ (mo) is old-fashioned, and including it produces a phrasing which is inferior to ‘yet’ (nao) alone. When I say such things, people may find them difficult to accept, but not to do so would do the Way a disservice, and thus, I must. The Right’s ‘The pine boughs are bent down to the ground’ (matsu ga e wa tsuchi ni tsuku made) is something which has been used in poetry since long ago, and so is somewhat commonplace [tsune no koto], but ‘such heights the pine’ (takasago no matsu) does not seem that bad [ito masanakuhaberuran]. The Left’s ‘young pines on the peak’ (mine no wakamatsu) should win.