shigaraki no toyama no sue no hototogisu ta ga sato chikaki hatsune naruran
In Shigaraki At the foothills’ end A cuckoo By whose estate Might let out his first cry?
Takasuke 41
Right
橘のにほひを空に尋ねきて山時鳥なかぬ日ぞなき
tachibana no nioi o sora ni tazunekite yamahototogisu nakanu hi zo naki
Orange blossom’s familiar Scent within the skies I seek out, while The mountain cuckoo Fails to sing on not a single day…
Shimotsuke 42
The Left poem’s ‘near whose estate does it first call’ does not sound bad. The Right’s poem, too, seems to have no faults to mention, yet the Left still wins by a hair.
Shunzei states the first part of the Left’s poem is ‘elevated in tone’, but that the final line is problematic: a reference to ‘morning’ might have been better, or just to the ‘valleys’ breeze’, but this would not have fitted the syllable count. If the intention had been to add a sense of ‘darkness’ to the poem, an expression such as ‘the valleys, shadowed by the crags’ would have been better. As for the Right’s poem, the image of the ‘twig-roofed hut’ is lonely, but the overlaying of the ‘cold’ with ‘blanket’ (in the original poem ‘samushiro’ is a play-on-words with both senses) is pedestrian, and so the Left’s poem, despite its faults, is adjudged the winner.
