Left (Win).
悲しきは境異なる中として亡き玉までもよそに浮かれん
| kanashiki wa sakai kotonaru naka to shite naki tama made mo yoso ni ukaren |
How sad it is: Beyond the borders of this life Should our bond endure Even your departed soul So distant, would I trail after… |
Lord Sada’ie
873
Right.
忘れずよ幾雲井とは知らねども空行月の契ばかりは
| wasurezu yo iku kumoi to wa shiranedomo sora yuku tsuki no chigiri bakari wa |
I will not forget! How far beyond the clouds you are I know not, yet As the moon across the skies, Is my simple vow to you… |
Jakuren
874
Left and Right: no faults to mention.
In judgement: although the Left’s poem sounds a little over-familiar, it certainly does have conception. The Right’s poem does sound smooth, but the origin poem has ‘Forget me not’ (wasuru na yo) – and this has ‘I will not forget’ (wasurezu yo) – the origin poem has ‘for distant as the clouds’ (hodo wa kumoi ni) – and this has ‘how far beyond the clouds’ (iku kumoi to wa); and ‘as the moon across the skies’ (sora yuku tsuki no) is identical, so the only part which as been changed is ‘I shall return – ‘til then’ (meguri au made). It is only to be expected that it would sound good, given that it presents much of the same material in the same order. The Left should win.