The Right find no fault with the Left’s poem. The Left state that the Right’s poem is ‘lacking in sense’.
Shunzei’s judgement: The Left’s ‘A thousand years made manifest in the young pines on the peak’ (chiyo o arawasu mine no wakamatsu) is charming [okashiku miehaberu], but the in the phrase ‘Yet still does the fresh, green’ (nao mo midori no), the use of ‘still’ (mo) is old-fashioned, and including it produces a phrasing which is inferior to ‘yet’ (nao) alone. When I say such things, people may find them difficult to accept, but not to do so would do the Way a disservice, and thus, I must. The Right’s ‘The pine boughs are bent down to the ground’ (matsu ga e wa tsuchi ni tsuku made) is something which has been used in poetry since long ago, and so is somewhat commonplace [tsune no koto], but ‘such heights the pine’ (takasago no matsu) does not seem that bad [ito masanakuhaberuran]. The Left’s ‘young pines on the peak’ (mine no wakamatsu) should win.
Shunzei’s judgement: The Left’s poem has ‘deep snow’ (yuki fukaki), ‘whitening round my cedar door’ (maki no to shiramu), and the Right has ‘the dawntime moon will linger less than’ (ariake no tsuki yori nokoru) – the conception and diction of both are splendid [kokoro kotoba tomo ni yoroshiku koso haberumere]. It seems to me that is exactly how winter mornings are. Thus, it is difficult to say which is better. This must be a good tie [yoki ji].
Both teams say the other’s poem ‘isn’t bad’ [ashikaranu].
Shunzei’s judgement: Although I feel that this topic of ‘Winter Mornings’ should express the conception of the latter half of winter [fuyu no nakaba sugitaru kokoro], the Left’s poem sounds like one from the beginning of winter, and I wonder about that. ‘South-east of the capital’ (miyako no tatsumi) is taken from the poem by Kisen on Mt Uji, which states ‘South east of the Capital, and so I dwell’ (miyako no tatsumi sika zo sumu). This conception [kokoro] of being there and ‘gazing south-east of the capital’ (miyako no tatsumi nagamureba) to the Fukakusa Estate, is charming [okashiku haberu]. Snow on the treetops in the morning, too, sounds pleasant [yoroshiku kikoyu]. Thus, the Right should win.
hitotose o
nagametsukuseru
asatode ni
usuyuki kōru
sabishisa no hate
All throughout the year
Have I gazed, until I can do no more, then
Opening my door this morning
A light fall of frozen snow
Brings me to the ends of sorrow…
The Right state that the Left’s poem is ‘overblown and intimidating’ [yuyushigeni odosaretari]. The Left merely state the Right’s poem is ‘unremarkable’ [tsune no koto nari].
Shunzei’s judgement: The Left’s ‘All throughout the year have I gazed, until I can do no more’ (hitotose o nagametsukushi), followed by ‘the ends of sorrow’ (sabishisa no hate), gives the impression that the snow must be extremely deep, but saying ‘a light fall of frozen snow’ (usuyuki koru) sounds contrary to the content. The Right’s ‘even you, I will not call upon’ (hito o sae towazu) and ‘should I tread through it, I would regret the tracks’ (ware fumiwaken ato no oshiki ni) more than being trite in conception [tsune no kokoro], is direct in diction [kotoba kudakete], and sounds overly definite [amari tashika ni kikoete], so the conception of ‘I will not call upon, gazing’ (towade koso mire) is inferior to that of ‘light snow’ (usuyuki).
The Right say the Left’s poem ‘isn’t bad’ [ashikarazu]. The Left say the Right’s poem is ‘commonplace’ [tsune no koto nari].
Shunzei’s judgement: Although the Left’s ‘unending is the breakfasts’ smoke – and even that’ (taenu asake no kemuri sae) is lacking in poetic qualities [utashina no naku wa haberedo], the gentlemen of the Right have judged it not to be bad. As for the Right, if a storm blows through a garden, even if there is no snow, surely there would be some trace of it, wouldn’t there? The Left should win.
The Right have no criticisms to make of the Left’s poem. The Left just remark that the Right’s use of ‘even’ (dani aru) is ‘poor’ [yokarazu].
Shunzei’s judgement: Despite the Left starting their poem with ‘dwelling in the mountains’ (yamazato wa), even if it is on a winter morning, where must it take place? It must be at a riverside estate, or village. In addition, the only element of the conception of morning, is ‘crossing the river in the morning’ (asa kawa wataru). I do wonder about the sound of ‘even, has frozen’ (kōri dani aru), but the snow in the morning is more moving and charming [aware mo okashiku mo] than the Left’s mere sound of horses’ hooves on ice, so the Right’s is the better poem.
Neither the Left nor the Right find any fault with the other’s poems this round.
Shunzei’s judgement: Although the Left’s ‘wondering at the fall of snow glimpsed’ (tsumoru ka to mietsuru yuki mo) sounds as if a first fall of snow turns into sleet later, the latter part of the poem’s conception and diction are most fine [shimo no ku no kokoro kotoba koso yoroshiku haberumere]. The Right initially makes one wonder if it is snow falling, and then has ‘the shower its very hue’ (shigure mo iro no). Neither initially nor finally is there a mention of sleet. The Left’s ‘gazing at the sight is sad’ seems particularly good, too. Thus, the Left wins.
Neither team finds any fault with the other’s poem this round.
Shunzei’s judgement: The Left’s ‘Sleet, today, falling as on the ancient estate’ (kyō mo mizore no furu sato wa), preceding ‘on Yoshino mountain did snows fall once’, reflects the conception of ‘Where once I lived, to the mount of Yoshino was so close’ (Furusato Fa yosino no yama si tikakereba) and seems splendid [ito yoroshiku miehabere]. The Right’s ‘How lonely it is here within the mountains’ (sabishikarikeru yama no oku kana) as a final section is most acceptable in terms of style [mottomo shokisubeki no tei], but the initial ‘leaves mixed in’ (konoha kokimaze) sounds as if this had been done with some human hand. Thus, the Left with matched initial and final sections, must win.