Left.
人目こそ離れも果てなめ山里に日影も見えず霙降るころ
| hitome koso kare mo hatename yamazato ni hikage mo miezu mizore furu koro |
The bustle of folk Seems so far away, In a mountain home Where no sunlight but Sleet does fall… |
521
Right (Win).
かき曇りみぞるゝ空や冴えそめて氷も果てぬ時雨なるらん
| kakikumori mizoruru sora ya saesomete kōri mo hatenu shigure naruran |
Gathering clouds, Sleeting, fill the sky; The first chill of Endless ice In the coming shower… |
522
The Right state that they are unable to understand the point of ‘Sleet does fall’ (mizore furu koro). The Left state that ‘sleeting’ (mizoruru) is grating on the ear [kikinikushi]. In addition, the initial 5-7-5 structure is inconsistent [kiregire nari].
Shunzei’s judgement: In the Left’s poem what is the problem with understanding ‘sleet does fall’? However, what I would want it to say next is that the sunlight always falls. In the Right’s poem, one could have said ‘sleeted sky’ (mizoreshi sora), but ‘sleeting sky’ is also unproblematic [nan ni oyobubekarazu]. ‘Endless ice in the coming shower’ (kōri mo hatenu shigure naruran) is an unusual conception [kokoro mezurashiku], and ‘the first chill’ (saesomete) is also well positioned. The Right is slightly better and should win.