iro fukaki yashio no oka no momijiba ni kokoro o sae mo sometekeru kana
Deep the hues On Yashio Hill Of the scarlet leaves— Even my heart, too, Have they dyed!
Lord Yorisuke 79
Right
しぐれつつ秋こそふかく成りにけり色どりわたるやのの神山
shiguretsutsu aki koso fukaku narinikeri irodori wataru yano no kamiyama
With constant showers Autumn has, indeed, deeper Grown; A change of hue all across Sacred Mount Yano.
Lord Michiyoshi 80
While the Left sounds well-worn, it flows smoothly. As for the Right, it sounds to me as if the poet has simply picked and placed a location from the Collection of a Myriad Leaves into his poem, so ‘a change of hue all across sacred Mount Yano is stylistically archaic—thus the Left wins.
hatsu shigure furinishi sato o kitemireba mikaki ga hara wa momijinishikeri
The first showers Have fallen on this ancient estate I have come to see: Mikaki Field has All turned to autumn hues.
Suketaka 78
While the Left displays great technical skill in juxtaposing ‘deeply dyed with scarlet hues’ and ‘Yashio Hill’, the Right at present is conclusively composed with a somewhat more decorous configuration relaxed manner. In this it conveys emotion as poems of old did, and so I believe it should certainly win.
