The Right state, ‘Both “first fall of dusk” (kuresomete) and “in the breeze” (kaze no ma ni) are unusual expressions.’ The Left in return say, ‘It sounds as if the bamboo fence is weighed down with moonflowers!’ (The Left here are interpreting the verb shioru to mean ‘bend down’ which is one of its senses. I have not followed this in my translation, in line with Shunzei’s judgement, below.)
Shunzei comments, ‘The gentlemen of the Right have stated that “first fall of dusk” (kuresomete) and “in the breeze” (kaze no ma ni) are unusual expressions, but I do not feel this to be particularly the case. As for yuki ni shiroreshi, surely this simply means that the fence is draped. In any case, however, “on the brushwood fence, coolly” is the superior poem in every way.’
The Right have no criticisms to make this round. The Left simply say the phrase ‘huts? Faintly misted’ (iori ka usugiri) ‘stands out’.
Again, Shunzei is blunt: ‘The Left’s “untouched by soot” (susukenu) and the Right’s “faintly misted” (usugiri) are both equally poor. The round should tie.’
The Right, ‘wonder if the Left’s poem doesn’t make the hollyhock seem like an afterthought?’, while the Left content themselves with saying, ‘the initial section of the Right’s poems seems rather dated.’
Shunzei disagrees: ‘The Left’s poem does not make the hollyhocks secondary – rather than implying they are mere decorations, it suggests the beauty of everyone beautifully adorned proceeding toward the shrine. As for the Right’s poem, the use of old-fashioned terms is normal in the context. This makes both poems are equal, and the round should tie.’
The Right remark that ‘unsurfeited’ (akarenu) in the Left’s poem is ‘grating on the ear’, while the Left suggest that ‘upon my regretful’ (wa ga oshimu) in the Right’s is less than entirely admirable.
Shunzei contents himself with simply saying that, ‘The Left’s “unsurfeited” sounds worse than the Right’s “upon my regretful”.’
Both teams say that they consider the other’s poem to be ‘trite’ [kyūbutsu] this round.
Shunzei’s judgement: The Left’s poem certainly certainly has a conception [kokoro] which one is well-accustomed to hearing, but I am unable to recall exactly where. In form it is well-constructed [utazama yoroshikuhaberubeshi]. The Right’s initial “Waters in the valley soak the rocks – the sound swallowed” (tanimizu no iwa moru oto wa uzumorete) is excellent [yū], but the latter part is definitely old-fashioned [furite]. Thus, the Left must win.
Neither side has any comments to make about these two poems.
Shunzei says both poems possess a ‘scintillating beauty’, but wonders whether the Right’s hasn’t borrowed too heavily from the Monk Sosei’s poem:
Composed as a Spring Poem
おもふどち春の山邊に打群れてそこともいはぬ旅寢してしか
omoFudoti
Faru no yamabe ni
utimurete
soko tomo iFanu
tabine sitesika
My friends,
In springtime in the mountain meadows
Did we gather,
Heedless of our place,
Wanted we to sleep out on our trip!
KKS II: 126
However, using the variation to borrow lodging from a warbler is, indeed, ‘scintillating’ and neither poems ‘sounds the least bit old-fashioned’. Hence, the round must be a tie.
Neither team have any comments to make about the other’s poem.
Shunzei comments that both poems sound ‘excellent’, but the Left’s begins ‘between the trees’ (ko no ma yori) and then continues to mention ‘pines’: are the ‘trees’ pines? Or, are they a different type? Whichever is the case, this is, perhaps, a ‘compositional error’. As for the Right’s poem, the expression, ‘sweeping ‘way the ice/The wind through the valley’ (kôri o harau/tanikaze no) is ‘charming’, but he ‘greatly dislikes’ the use of tsuzuku. (It’s unclear why he says this, as he gives no further explanation: the commentators suggest that it could be that the word is too conventional, or that it was generally considered more attractive in poetry to have something ending, rather than continuing, or simply that he didn’t like the way the poem was read out on this occasion!) Given that both poems are ‘equally excellent’ , and that the Left is ‘unclear’ over its trees, a tie has to be awarded.