yamamoto no mori no shimenawa nagaki yo o aki no oshika no nakiakasuran
At the mountains’ foot lies A sacred grove with garlands Long as the nights In autumn when the stag Bells in the dawn.
Tomoshige 79
Right
なよ竹のよながき秋の山風に幾たび鹿のね覚しつらん
nayotake no yo nagaki aki no yamakaze ni ikutabi shika no nezameshitsuran
Green bamboo with Knots as apart as the autumn night is long, While with the mountain wind How many times might the stag Have awakened?[1]
Dharma Master Zenshin 80
The Left’s poem has ‘at the mountains’ foot lies a sacred grove with garlands long as the nights’ which sounds pleasant. The Right has ‘knots as apart as the autumn night is long, while with the mountain wind’—these, too, seem to have no clear winner or loser, yet still, the Left should be superior and should win.[2]
[1] An allusive variation on: Composed when the gentlemen in the Crown Prince’s service were presented with wine, on the occasion of Tadafusa being appointed Secretary of an embassy to China, during the reign of the Kanpyō emperor. なよ竹のよながきうへにはつしものおきゐて物を思ふころかな nayotake no / yo nagaki ue ni / hatsushimo no / oki’ite mono o / omou koro kana ‘Green bamboo with / Knots as far apart as the night is long / While the first frost settles on my active / Thoughts these days!’ Fujiwara no Tadafusa (KKS XVIII: 993)
yamakaze ni shioruru nobe no kusamura no neya samushi to ya shika no nakuran
The mountain wind Withers the meadow’s Clumps of grasses— Is it his chilly bedchamber That makes the stag cry out?
Moromitsu 39
Right (Win)
あはれとはねらふさつをも思ふらんをしか妻どふ秋の夕ぐれ
aware to wa nerau satsuo mo omouran oshika tsumadobu aki no yūgure
‘How sad,’ The aiming hunter, too, Seems to think, as The stag searches for his mate On an autumn evening…
Lay Priest Sanekiyo 40
The Left shows no technique from beginning to end, compounded by the fact that, while ‘although the stag does lie’ is a common expression in poetry, ‘bedchamber’ is something I am unaccustomed to hearing. As for the Right, ‘aiming hunter’ is distasteful to hear, but the poem is not bad overall, so it wins.