furusato no hagi no shitaba mo irozukinu tsuyu nomi fukaki aki no urami ni
In this old, familiar place The bush clover’s underleaves, too, Have changed their hue— Only the dew is deep As autumn’s misery…[1]
Dōchin 55
Right (Win)
白露の玉ぬきみだる萩が枝に涙かずそふ秋の夕暮
shiratsuyu no tama nukimidaru hagi ga e ni namida kazusou aki no yūgure
Silver dewdrop Pearls are strung in tangles on The bush clover’s branches— Innumerable tears added On an autumn evening…
Dharma Master Nyokan 56
Left and Right both have a refined style, yet the Right has a better tone and sounds elegant. Thus, it wins.
[1] An allusive variation on: 比日之 暁露丹 吾屋前之 芽子乃下葉者 色付尓家里 kono koro no / akatoki tsuyu ni / wa ga yado no / hagi no shitaba wa / irozukinikeri ‘Around thus time near / Dawn, the dewfall on / My dwelling’s / Bush clover underleaves / Has changed their hue!’ Anonymous (MYS X: 2182)
